So I have always wondered...

Is edgy code for lesbian? I mean certainly there are a lot of "edgy" lesbians....but after watching heroes my inklings were somewhat validated. I wonder what other subtlety's are code for gay?

Baby fever?

Apparently I am young and have not had baby fever yet, but I am not to worry because it will happen someday. All the people in my class always talk about babies. I always tell them that I don't want to have kids and crap. So their response is, "Oh, you wait! You will get that "baby fever" and start popping them out." Uh, I never want to actually have a baby myself, so I can't imagine ever getting this dreadful baby disease. However if I decide to have kids, I am totally adopting or letting someone else pop that sucker out. I just don't really see that in my future. So eat your heart out baby fever. This whole incident probably came about because they think that I am straight or they want to think that. I am still a little confused about what label they give me. I think they either think I am straight or don't want to think about it at all! Whatever, it only gets awkward when I have to sit there and listen to them talk about guys all day. Good thing that doesn't happen often, but I do put in my two cents when Hexagona brings up her adoration for Vin Diesel....come on. Anyway, needless to say I DO NOT HAVE OR WANT BABY FEVER!

"Funny" People

So I went to the casino and there was a live band. The band had a female lead singer and a male backup singer. and they played some songs that people liked to dance to, I think the singing kind of sucked. So I am sitting in the corner with my mom, mom's friend, and Fast Freddie. I didn't really notice anything interesting going on and the people I like to watch weren't there. So, as the night progresses some guy started talking to me and I was being nice to him. Doot ta doo and then he tries to get me t o dance and he wants my phone number, and I told him 01: I don't dance and 02: I will be his FRIEND. After along time of talking about nothing, he tries again, and again I tell him, "I will be your FRIEND." Which begs the question, can girls and boys be real friends? I think yes, just not drunk at a bar. He kept asking me why I wasn't interested, and it's not like I was in the position or environment to say, "Because I like girls!" So I think I just made shit up. The night ends good times.

So a couple days later I go to the hospital to visit my aunt. She starts talking to me and I told her we went out and she wanted to come with us or something. Somehow she starts saying she heard that the last weekend (which was the weekend that I has just been to) there was a band with a "funny" lead singer. Then she went on to say that all the "funny" people in town went to the casino because of the lead singer. I kind of knew, but I wasn't sure what she was talking about. She raised her eyebrows and gave this weird expression and said, "You know, funny people." (elbow nudge). OOOH, she really did mean gay people, well gay ladies. How interesting, I was under the impression there were none here, and she said, "Oh yeah!" So apparently there are lesbians and other gays in town and sometimes they all go out to the casino.

I wonder how you get into that club and how other people know...This is a super conservative town and as long as I have grown up I was never introduced to the thought of gayness until high school and even then I did not know what it meant. So then college happened and I was introduced to various alternative lifestyles. I have only ever heard of one gay or transgendered man in town once, and that was a long time ago, and I am not even sure as to what was true about him because this town is so gossipy. So, finding out that there are "funny" people here, really shocks me and makes me happy all at the same time. Good for them.

Living in your brother's room...

Well, I was at first a little hesitate about taking over my brother's room so much, but let's face it, I need the space. So I have basically transformed his room into my own little entertainment spot. One thing that I have noticed over the last, oh I don't, three years, is that...my brother and I have really similar tastes in girls. I find this odd, and weird, and funny when he used to hit on my ex-girlfriend, until she left me for a guy (but that is a different story). So point of the story is that, in my brother's room you find things like, pictures of girls with motos on the wall, and a calendar with a hot girl on it (that he conveniently left open to the best page). Thank you brother, for posting things on your wall that I like to look at, because I can't and never would post them on mine. Cheers!

Separate is not equal

Why is it that at least once a day people talk to me about my "husband"?

Just wait until you have a husband. That is what a man is for. You need someone to help you make decisions. Its nice to have a spouse to talk things over with. You'll understand when you have a husband. My husband this, my husband that. I have children. I am married. I am only 22.

Is this what life is about for people? Find someone who is remotely tolerable, marry them, and start popping out babies? THAT is ridiculous. And all day long all they do is talk shit about their husbands, so why on earth would I want that? Aren't these people miserable, stressed out, and ready to run away?

It seems like they most definitely are ready to get away, but somehow find themselves better than "single" people because they are married and have children. It is like your life has no meaning unless you have a husband and a child. Or maybe you are a failure. Why aren't you in a relationship? Why don't you want kids? Don't you think that guys body is so hot, yeah maybe I do, but why do you want to talk about it so much? And wait, while we are at it, maybe I don't have a "husband" because I went to college and don't think it is financially feasible to settle down until you are able to take care of yourself, and your family. But you wouldn't know what that feeling was like because you are 24 with two kids, a husband and both of you are only making minimum wage. Don't judge me because I am single, and i won't have to judge you.

The term "my old lady" also occurs in regular conversation. Like, guys just find some satisfaction in knowing that they have an "old lady" cooking and doing their bidding at home while they talk shit and drink beer all day. I for one will never call my girlfriend, "my old lady" EVER. The things that people pride themselves on in this town, and probably all over the world is just WOW to me.

This entire topic makes me angry. I really don't have bad feelings towards these people, but I wish they would see things from another perspective.

Day 1: Conversatives

I am currently in a really small populated region. Mostly everyone here is conservative. Mostly everyone here hates things/people that are different. I am really different. I am interested in things that other people here aren't, and I don't care about a lot of things. I, first, am awesome, and, second, am gay. Living in a small town, in the closet, is going to be a challenge for me and I will be here for the next three-four months. This is the town i grew up in, and the town I have not lived in for the last six years. Growing up I never realized I was a lesbian, but looking back, if I had grown up in a more liberal place I think I would have recongized it sooner. I didn't come to the realization until I was 21, and three years later I am still hiding myself from others. However, with the support of some really amazing friends both straight and gay, I am becoming more accepting of myself and how I identify myself to others. I am nowhere near the point of "coming out" (at least to some people) and I am constantly battling negative thoughts and ideas that have been inplanted in my brain growing up in a small homophobic town, but I am doing my best to stand up for myself and others. I am turning my blog into a journal about my daily battles of living in the closet, in a small country town.

I had come up with idea before I moved here, but was confronted with my first trial a day after I arrived. I suspect there will be many more, as I have already heard my fair share of degrading things from my family and friends over the years regarding liberals, gays, different races, you name it. If you are not a part of it you are against it apparently. This is my struggle, this is my pain.

At work, sometimes we have to discuss issues such as dealing with sexually and privacy and also not judging anyone. Legally, at my job we cannot be discriminating to anyone dispite our own values. This is absilutely not a problem for me. But sitting in class during this discuss I heard some really outrageous things said. For example, when talking about homosexuality, everyone seemed to be fine about it, it is non of our business etc, and it doesn't effect our job. However, someone then said, I'm fine with it until they hit on me, then blah blah blah, elluding to the point that that person would endure physical pain.

I am sitting their thinking, if a person of the opposite sex hit on you that you didn't want to hit on you, would you react the same way? If not, then what is the harm of someone of the same sex hitting on you? If you are getting unwanted attention in any case politely tell the person that you are not interested, while trying not to hurt their feelings, regardless of race, gender, age, or whatever. I just don't get the logic behind people being disgusted when a person of the same sex may or may not be hitting on you. Also what makes you think someone of the same sex would hit on you if you are supposedly super straight? Grow up, get a life, and get over yourself, because let me tell you, you are not even worth the time.

Who is jay, and where was he walking?

Hence the fact that I'm moving, I am going to start writing about something a little more personal that will be occuring in my life. And by writing I mean writing and making videos, because I'm that cool.

I'm hungry

Update: livin alone, down a dark ditch, at least i have my cat.

So, I am moving for at least two months (unless a miracle happens next week). My friend is contemplating going with me, in order to remove herself from _______. This is interesting news to me, because the primary reason I would not want to move was that I would be considerably bored at my new location. This possibility of a companion drastically lightens the once dark prospect of my departure.

At least I will get to play the drums!

LADY?!?!?!

Today while washing my hands at joe's crab shack, I spot a little boy in need of some assistance.
Me: "Can you reach the soap?"
Boy: "No."
Me: (Lifts him up.)
Boy: (Washes hands)
Me: (Washes hands)
Boys mom: "Did you wash your hands?"
Boy: "Yeah, the lady helped me!"
Me: (Looks down at clothes, sees I am wearing chucks, ripped jeans, a black shirt, and a bandanna around my neck) To self: "WTF? LADY? How old am I"
Jenna: "Lady? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA"
Me: FML!

Pursuit of booze

Have you ever wanted to drink so badly but were too lazy to walk to the kitchen?

On a side not I was offered to get some "fake" boobs today...I turned the person down.

I have to pee, and I want to sleep.

Meteor Shower

The upside: I'm in the perfect place to watch the shower.
The downside: It's windy and cloudy; I need more beer.

The upside: The wind will blow the clouds away; I can go to the store.
The downside: I'm lazy right now; don't want to get dressed.

The upside: There might be someone I want to see at the store.
The downside: I might not want that person to see me. :(

blah.

Monday Night Karaoke!!

A Day in the Life of Alex (Monday Night Karaoke)


















Girl Singing: Don't stop believin'....Hold on to that feeeeeeelllllinnnnn'
Alex: Man, she is really butchering this song!
Ryan: Ugh, no kidding, this is terrible!!!




















'gulp' 'gulp' 'gulp'



















Karaoke Guy: Up next Kelllllly, singing Queen!
Alex (Tipsy): REALLY?!
Ryan: GRRR! (Moan)
'chug' 'chug' 'chug'



















Alex (Buzzzzzzed): Bartender? Two YB's for me and Ryan PLEASE! These people can't sing for SHIT!
Bartender: Sure.
Alex: Thanks!





































Alex & Ryan (Drunk head & Drunk eyes)(Squeak & off key): Whoa!!!!!!! Livin' on a prayeeerrrrr! Take my hand, and we'll make.....




To be cont...

Harry Potter Movie

I fucking hate the making good books into bad movies industry. I would like to say, why did we waste two hours setting up two love stories when there was so much more action going on? The big end fight scene was more like the small lame non-fight scene.It seemed like no one informed them that was the most important part of the book, not whether Harry and Ginny were snogging or not. One good thing about it is Hermione is pretty hot, but I hear she is a slut based on what she wore to the premiere (update: if the picture below is what my friend was talking about i retract that statement and side with my previous "she's hot" statement). Well, for all of those who were too lazy to read the books, I'm sure you will not be disappointed in this horrid mind numbingly boring display of a decent book.



p.s. on my rant of bad movies that take too long to set up a simple plot line and then disappoint with mediocre fight scenes: I hate the first iron man (the second one will be good hopefully), I also think the transformers movies suck, give me more robot fighting less talking about who will say I love you first, less bad acting, and less fucking running/sliding behind a barrier, come on!, and now I'm done, oh except hangover does not even come close to comparing to pineapple express (people are too easily pleased these day, maybe its because they can't think for themselves, I don't know)

Sticker burnt boobies!

This is a picture of my boobies sunburnt with sticker outlines...drunk i thought it would be funny, sober and burnt it was not so funny and oh so painful!

Inside (a poem about shadows)

Day again turns to night
I again ly alone
My once lit room
Slowly fades to nothing

I reach for my light
Now, shadows only shown
Hand puppets of doom
My thoughts darkly sing

The end is in sight
Ive always known
Since my mothers womb
I still wear the ring

Shadows reflect my fright
Shadow dog needs a bone
Roaring dinsosaurs loom
Cries flow through my being

Insomnia

So, last night I could not sleep because it was way to hot in my room, which is on the second story with no a/c. I had a great idea of going outside and sleeping on the trampoline, mind you it was 2:30 am. One thing that happened to me was, I could not sleep because the stars were so amazing. Another thing that happened to me, I listened to the Beatles. Good music + amazing sites = no sleep. I start to finally close my eyes, when the thought occurred to me...WAIT! I haven't seen a shooting star yet! So, I opened my eyes, and to my surprise just then one shoots across the sky, leaving me glorified, amazed, grateful and ready to sleep. Two hours later I was so cold and had to pee so bad I went inside...and the sun was rising. I shall try this again tonight with more blankets and more beer to aid in the sleeping.

Life Lessons

I have been trying to talk to a girl in my class for the last three weeks. I have learned some important lessons on basically just how to say hello, which apparently I am too stupid to do. Hopefully, by blogging about this I will be better equipped come tomorrow morning and finally be able to tell the girl "hi".

01: Make eye contact, I know its scary, but it's necessary to start a conversation, and someone told me that's how you show people you are interested in them, just by looking at them.

02: When you see the person you are trying to talk to, they are walking toward you only five feet away, say something! Don't look away and hide.

03: When someone makes you want to run and stick your head in a hole, it probably means they are worth the nerve racking not to run and stick your head in a hole.

04: When the person you desperately want to talk to, stands next to you, say something.

05: When the person you want nothing more than just to smile at you walks up next to you, and says "Man, it's hotter in here than it is outside!" SAY SOMETHING, don't stand there smiling like an idiot.

06: When she leaves to go to the bathroom, looks at you when she comes back , then packs up her stuff and leaves, SAY SOMETHING, or at least act like you are leaving too and then SAY SOMETHING.

I honestly do not know what it, but why the fuck can i not utter a simple sentence to this girl. Its like I get all goofy and stupid and can't think or talk. Let me tell you, that doesn't impress anyone. Tomorrow is another day and I am determined to finally say hello my unsuspecting stalkee.

Faux Flag Day

It's flag day in my room, but im about to take down that California flag. Too bad I like California, just not its politics.

Interesting

Get drunk while breathing here.

Chandler Shuffle What?

Ving: hahhaa def wrong on her part

lol

yes very valid

i think at that time..she danced more than u

Me: proabbly

but now hey betch

im in the groove

it doesnt look pretty but it feels right

I cant get disturbia out of my mind....and I need to dance to this shit.....

WATCH IT

Free PIzza!

Yay for winning a photo contest and getting $30 of free pizza and beer as a reward!


and we deserve it too!

YOUTUBE!!!

Its back! with not so great timing...why would the universe grant me access to one of my favorite websites two days before two huge tests? - a mystery to me! but ill take it and hopefully it won't disappear!

Bushes are Moving Outside My Window

It is either my drunk roommates and their friends hanging out because it is super hot in the house, or I'm about to be attacked by aliens. I hope whoever it is, is not here for anal probing because I am definitely not down....

Picnic Day

Picnic Day is the greatest day in Davis history and I think whoever invented it was amazing! I learned a lot this picnic day, for example I really suck at flip cup, I am slow at chugging (although at least I can finish the beer...and drink for extended periods of time), an insane amount of people cant work a keg, and party buses are incredible! Which reminds me, I actually used my drunk brain to make this joke:

me: (sucking at flip cup, and annoyed) Oh my god! Flip!!!! (under my breath) cup.... (chuckle, chuckle)

Thinking back on that, it was pretty early in the day so I can't even blame it on being drunk, unfortunately. Oh well. This picnic day was not as insane as last picnic day, but I will say that it was just as fun! Yay for campus wide drunkenness.

April has been busy

My Birthday
I got attacked by a cat and almost lost a finger, good thing I have connection in mexico and a large supply of illegal drugs. Penicillin saved my finger's life! Well after a lot of pusing and swelling my finger is now really bruised and about to loose all the skin from the second knuck up--EW!!!

MISC
I havent been home since the 2nd (my birthday) until today. I went home with some friends and then to reno, and then to mexico (which ill most likely blog about later). So lots of traveling and lots of unpacking slash studying to do....two tests tomorrow...

April Fools Day

I called my mothing's (term for mother) work and told the receptionist that I had just left the hospital (where my mothing works), and backed into a Black Toyota Tacoma. I asked if she could find the owner (its a really small town and hospital in the middle of nowhere) and give them a phone number (my friends with the same area code) to call for insurance information because I was really late for a meeting. This all seemed very realistic because I was walking to school really fast at the time and was completely out of breath. So I hang up, sit back, and wait. About 30 minutes later my mothing calls me to tell me that my friend had april fooled her and I should tell her that it wasn't funny. My mothing had apparently got really worked up in her heels and skirt and was stomping around the hospital telling everyone. The employees were working her up more, telling her to sue the person and call the police because its a hit and run. So, she called the police before calling the number I left her and they went down to the hospital and everything! Needless to say I laughed for about 10 minutes after she told me she actually called the police.

She was not the only person I pranked...i love april fools day! I have a few up my sleeve for next year too, so watch out!

The DMV Sucks Ass

For some unknown reason apparently if you change you address in California the DMV requires you take a written exam to renew your license. What sense does that make? Its state law not county or city ordinance and just because I moved doesn't mean that I forgot how to drive. What the deuce is wrong with this place, I bet its just a ploy to take more of your money and waste more of everyone's time. It has been about two years since my last DMV visit and let me tell you, that place is packed. I drove into the parking lot today and there were hardly any cars, so I was thinking, "Yay, for Tuesday. Everyone has work." No, not even close. I missed the Senor Chavez memo I made for myself last week and the DMV took a vacation. So now I have to go back there before Thursday (because thats my birthday and therefore expiration date on my license), and that will be the third time I have been there in five days. I hate the DMV, and I think that it can go suck itself because I am tired of its bullshit! Next time I move I am not telling any government organization, eat that!
___________________________________________________________________

UPDATE: (April 1, 2009)

I go to the DMV today and I wait for 45 mins then when I get called up to the window, I go to the window the lady doesn't say anything so I stand in a line, which I might be cutting at this point. Finally the lady says, no one showed up. I walk up to her and tell her I am right here. She says your turn is up and hands me another ticket. JOY! 30 more minutes of waiting 5 minutes of paperwork and I'm finally out the door. And i found out that if you have one eye you can drive, but if you have two eyes and one can't see unless corrected you can't without wearing the glasses or whatever. So legally I can not drive without my glasses, even though I can see better without them than a one eyes person that can drive with nothing.

An Ode to Drums

I love the drums, but my living situation doesn't allow me to play them. Currently my set is 5 hours away in a small country town collecting dust in my fort (yes i have a fort, and its not what you think). This saddens me. If someone wants to be my friend and let me play their drums, I am very loyal and fun to hang out with!

Straight Gay People

Today I went to a religious function. I find it entertaining to watch people at these events and decide which people there are gay. Because you know none of them think they are gay, as it is against their religion, or maybe they just don't acknowledge it, but YOU know some of them are totally gay! Why they are denying it, I don't care, that is their own thing, but this is a fun game to play in my brain to pass, the sometimes dragging, time. I have really weak gaydar, which is really sad for me by the way, but it means if I can tell you are gay, it must be pretty obvious.
So guy #1, super skinny, feminine mannerisms, can dance, blah blah, I decided that he was super gay, then I heard him talk, which just put him over the top full of gayness.
Girl #2, you can just tell, she is so gay, although I'm pretty sure she is aware of this fact based on the way she talks about guys.
Guy #3, the most soft and gentle creature, subtle gay voice, but the way he thinks is just "different".
Then there are a lot of girls with short hair, stereotypical lesbian dress and such, and the boys who just look gay or act gay, I guess, these people are on the fence for me. But I guess who knows perhaps these people are all straight and I should not assume things, but it would make me happy if they were gay, so I'm going to keep playing the game in my head :)<--ew

Best Coin Ever

I was going through some of my things today when I came across this coin....


Tails you lose, and it gets better...

Because, heads I win!!!!!! hahaha I love it!

Youtube

For the last three weeks I have not been able to view anything on Youtube. When I go to the website there is a blank white page, and videos on other websites won't play if their originally from Youtube. The only other thing in common with this is the Myspace music player, which has a problem loading as well. This sounds like it should have a simple solution, as if I could just download flash and it would all be better. But that is definitely not the case; I have tried it. The strange thing is, I cannot even google the word Youtube!!!! You would think maybe google would have the answer to my problem, being google and all. Maybe the universe is punishing me for illegally downloading music in the dorms freshman year.
When this first started, I was just thinking, whatever I don't go onto Youtube that often anyway. But, NO. No, that is not the case, I NEED Youtube! Everyone references it ALL the time, my computer is pulling me away from civilization!!!! Is this a virus of somekind? Who in their right mind would want anyone to suffer the horrors of not watching senseless videos on Youtube??? I am extremely upset about this. Lack of Youtube is ruining my life and dampening my artistic being; how else am I going to steal people's ideas and make them my own??? Maybe I should go write a song about it, I hear depression is the key to creativity.

St. Patricks Day

Apparently, everyone needs to cup some balls once in awhile.
(What in the hell was I thinking??!?!)