So I have always wondered...

Is edgy code for lesbian? I mean certainly there are a lot of "edgy" lesbians....but after watching heroes my inklings were somewhat validated. I wonder what other subtlety's are code for gay?

Baby fever?

Apparently I am young and have not had baby fever yet, but I am not to worry because it will happen someday. All the people in my class always talk about babies. I always tell them that I don't want to have kids and crap. So their response is, "Oh, you wait! You will get that "baby fever" and start popping them out." Uh, I never want to actually have a baby myself, so I can't imagine ever getting this dreadful baby disease. However if I decide to have kids, I am totally adopting or letting someone else pop that sucker out. I just don't really see that in my future. So eat your heart out baby fever. This whole incident probably came about because they think that I am straight or they want to think that. I am still a little confused about what label they give me. I think they either think I am straight or don't want to think about it at all! Whatever, it only gets awkward when I have to sit there and listen to them talk about guys all day. Good thing that doesn't happen often, but I do put in my two cents when Hexagona brings up her adoration for Vin Diesel....come on. Anyway, needless to say I DO NOT HAVE OR WANT BABY FEVER!

"Funny" People

So I went to the casino and there was a live band. The band had a female lead singer and a male backup singer. and they played some songs that people liked to dance to, I think the singing kind of sucked. So I am sitting in the corner with my mom, mom's friend, and Fast Freddie. I didn't really notice anything interesting going on and the people I like to watch weren't there. So, as the night progresses some guy started talking to me and I was being nice to him. Doot ta doo and then he tries to get me t o dance and he wants my phone number, and I told him 01: I don't dance and 02: I will be his FRIEND. After along time of talking about nothing, he tries again, and again I tell him, "I will be your FRIEND." Which begs the question, can girls and boys be real friends? I think yes, just not drunk at a bar. He kept asking me why I wasn't interested, and it's not like I was in the position or environment to say, "Because I like girls!" So I think I just made shit up. The night ends good times.

So a couple days later I go to the hospital to visit my aunt. She starts talking to me and I told her we went out and she wanted to come with us or something. Somehow she starts saying she heard that the last weekend (which was the weekend that I has just been to) there was a band with a "funny" lead singer. Then she went on to say that all the "funny" people in town went to the casino because of the lead singer. I kind of knew, but I wasn't sure what she was talking about. She raised her eyebrows and gave this weird expression and said, "You know, funny people." (elbow nudge). OOOH, she really did mean gay people, well gay ladies. How interesting, I was under the impression there were none here, and she said, "Oh yeah!" So apparently there are lesbians and other gays in town and sometimes they all go out to the casino.

I wonder how you get into that club and how other people know...This is a super conservative town and as long as I have grown up I was never introduced to the thought of gayness until high school and even then I did not know what it meant. So then college happened and I was introduced to various alternative lifestyles. I have only ever heard of one gay or transgendered man in town once, and that was a long time ago, and I am not even sure as to what was true about him because this town is so gossipy. So, finding out that there are "funny" people here, really shocks me and makes me happy all at the same time. Good for them.

Living in your brother's room...

Well, I was at first a little hesitate about taking over my brother's room so much, but let's face it, I need the space. So I have basically transformed his room into my own little entertainment spot. One thing that I have noticed over the last, oh I don't, three years, is that...my brother and I have really similar tastes in girls. I find this odd, and weird, and funny when he used to hit on my ex-girlfriend, until she left me for a guy (but that is a different story). So point of the story is that, in my brother's room you find things like, pictures of girls with motos on the wall, and a calendar with a hot girl on it (that he conveniently left open to the best page). Thank you brother, for posting things on your wall that I like to look at, because I can't and never would post them on mine. Cheers!

Separate is not equal

Why is it that at least once a day people talk to me about my "husband"?

Just wait until you have a husband. That is what a man is for. You need someone to help you make decisions. Its nice to have a spouse to talk things over with. You'll understand when you have a husband. My husband this, my husband that. I have children. I am married. I am only 22.

Is this what life is about for people? Find someone who is remotely tolerable, marry them, and start popping out babies? THAT is ridiculous. And all day long all they do is talk shit about their husbands, so why on earth would I want that? Aren't these people miserable, stressed out, and ready to run away?

It seems like they most definitely are ready to get away, but somehow find themselves better than "single" people because they are married and have children. It is like your life has no meaning unless you have a husband and a child. Or maybe you are a failure. Why aren't you in a relationship? Why don't you want kids? Don't you think that guys body is so hot, yeah maybe I do, but why do you want to talk about it so much? And wait, while we are at it, maybe I don't have a "husband" because I went to college and don't think it is financially feasible to settle down until you are able to take care of yourself, and your family. But you wouldn't know what that feeling was like because you are 24 with two kids, a husband and both of you are only making minimum wage. Don't judge me because I am single, and i won't have to judge you.

The term "my old lady" also occurs in regular conversation. Like, guys just find some satisfaction in knowing that they have an "old lady" cooking and doing their bidding at home while they talk shit and drink beer all day. I for one will never call my girlfriend, "my old lady" EVER. The things that people pride themselves on in this town, and probably all over the world is just WOW to me.

This entire topic makes me angry. I really don't have bad feelings towards these people, but I wish they would see things from another perspective.

Day 1: Conversatives

I am currently in a really small populated region. Mostly everyone here is conservative. Mostly everyone here hates things/people that are different. I am really different. I am interested in things that other people here aren't, and I don't care about a lot of things. I, first, am awesome, and, second, am gay. Living in a small town, in the closet, is going to be a challenge for me and I will be here for the next three-four months. This is the town i grew up in, and the town I have not lived in for the last six years. Growing up I never realized I was a lesbian, but looking back, if I had grown up in a more liberal place I think I would have recongized it sooner. I didn't come to the realization until I was 21, and three years later I am still hiding myself from others. However, with the support of some really amazing friends both straight and gay, I am becoming more accepting of myself and how I identify myself to others. I am nowhere near the point of "coming out" (at least to some people) and I am constantly battling negative thoughts and ideas that have been inplanted in my brain growing up in a small homophobic town, but I am doing my best to stand up for myself and others. I am turning my blog into a journal about my daily battles of living in the closet, in a small country town.

I had come up with idea before I moved here, but was confronted with my first trial a day after I arrived. I suspect there will be many more, as I have already heard my fair share of degrading things from my family and friends over the years regarding liberals, gays, different races, you name it. If you are not a part of it you are against it apparently. This is my struggle, this is my pain.

At work, sometimes we have to discuss issues such as dealing with sexually and privacy and also not judging anyone. Legally, at my job we cannot be discriminating to anyone dispite our own values. This is absilutely not a problem for me. But sitting in class during this discuss I heard some really outrageous things said. For example, when talking about homosexuality, everyone seemed to be fine about it, it is non of our business etc, and it doesn't effect our job. However, someone then said, I'm fine with it until they hit on me, then blah blah blah, elluding to the point that that person would endure physical pain.

I am sitting their thinking, if a person of the opposite sex hit on you that you didn't want to hit on you, would you react the same way? If not, then what is the harm of someone of the same sex hitting on you? If you are getting unwanted attention in any case politely tell the person that you are not interested, while trying not to hurt their feelings, regardless of race, gender, age, or whatever. I just don't get the logic behind people being disgusted when a person of the same sex may or may not be hitting on you. Also what makes you think someone of the same sex would hit on you if you are supposedly super straight? Grow up, get a life, and get over yourself, because let me tell you, you are not even worth the time.

Who is jay, and where was he walking?

Hence the fact that I'm moving, I am going to start writing about something a little more personal that will be occuring in my life. And by writing I mean writing and making videos, because I'm that cool.